Communicating with Peers Part II: Clearing Up Common Psychological Type Misunderstandings
By Carol Linden
This week, as promised, we’ll look at some common psychological type differences that unintentionally create misunderstandings and get in the way of maintaining rapport and accomplishing goals together.
Extraverts and Introverts, Oh, what a tangled web we weave!
People with extraverted preferences can get along quite well with others with introverted preferences and vice versa. The Introverts are usually happy to let the Extraverts take the floor, especially in a public setting, and the Extraverts are happy to do the talking.
(Chris here: my wife Cathy and I are a shining example of this fact and we discussed this after I learned these things from Carol. I am more extraverted and she is more introverted. I’ve also found that most of the 50 assistant coaches I’ve mentored at NC State and Cardinal Gibbons High School have tendencies toward introversion. I hope many of them read this and chime in below with comments! For this very reason I seek to “chart the course” for them and “include them” in the planning process.)
That said, there are a couple of ways we can miss the boat with each other. For example, someone who is more introverted wants time to mull before answering. If you’re more extraverted, don’t create a “deer in the headlights” experience for a more introverted colleague. Email or texting works quite well for them. Gives them time to think before they answer. Don’t just show up at their door demanding an answer for something they haven’t had time to think about.
Extraverts even have a habit of not giving an Introvert enough time to think before they reply in a conversation. Extraverts need to learn more tolerance for silence. Introverts get that silence is ok. Learn to pause and give the other person the extra time that they may need before responding.
(Chris here: This is particularly important when communicating with leadership or supervisors. They don’t like surprises so give them a heads up on where you’re heading!)
Introverted colleagues, on the other hand, would benefit from making two behavioral adjustments. First, when you’re being quiet and thinking about it, say that, out loud. I’m quite serious here. I know you think it’s obvious but, really, extraverts need feedback. Just let them know you’ve heard them and you’re thinking about it.
Quick story from Chris: Recently I met a future coach who is in college right now that fits perfectly into this category of introversion. As we’ve talked a few times I can tell they are processing the information. After about our 8 conversations or so, this person said, “I’ve been processing what you’ve been saying and I’m looking forward to putting it into practice.” This was such a relief for me to hear because as an extrovert I really didn’t know if it was sinking in.
Secondly, at times, Introverts need to learn to “just jump in there” at times when they really have something important to add to a conversation. An Extravert has a very different sense of time than an Introvert does. Sometimes, you are never going to get enough of a pause to be comfortable entering the conversation. Not all the time, but at times, an Introvert just needs to take a deep breath and jump in. What you’ll find is that many times the Extravert is actually grateful that you’ve spoken up.
Big Picture vs Detail thinking
Some people more naturally think in details; others are more into the big picture. This one tip works for everyone. Do not start with the details, as a general rule. Start the conversation with something that indicates the context. For example, not “what do we do about the whatchamacallit?” but “I’m working on the record-keeping project, and what I’d like to ask you is . . .” Get everyone on the same page, then go for the details.
Also, if you’re really into details, just remember that not everyone is. A co-worker may not need anywhere near the level of details that you do. So, ask. Start with a more general statement. Then just ask, “do you want more details on that?” A big picture person may say, “No, I’m good. Go ahead. I trust you to take care of it.”
On the other hand, if you’re not a detail person, don’t be offended when someone asks you for more information. Don’t assume they don’t trust you. Make the safer assumption that they just think at the detail level and need more information to be comfortable moving on.
Whether you’re a detail person or a big picture person, make sure your colleague is getting the level of detail from you that they need, especially if you’re passing on a task to someone. Don’t just assume that you know the right level, i.e., don’t just assume they need the same thing you do. Ask if they’ve got enough details to be comfortable proceeding.
Chris here: When I address my training groups, I start with a recap of where we are in the program. When I’ve provided some basis of where we are on the timeline to success, I then talk about how today’s details are important to them and the team. When we are finished with the training session, I talk about what they can expect the next time we see each other. So in short I’m, looking back, addressing the details of the moment, and casting vision in every session.
Early Starting vs. Pressure-Prompted Behaviors
Some people very naturally do things at the last minute. That’s called “pressure-prompted.” The pressure of the deadline actually gives that sort of person the energy they need to get fired up and “get ‘er done.” On the other hand, some people like to get started early so that they’re sure they have time to “get ‘er done” and “get ‘er done right.” Neither is better or worse than the other.
Chris here: At our high school graduation the student valedictorian talked about the intimidation of group projects. He said, “I didn’t like group projects before I came to Cardinal Gibbons,” and the reason was because of the dependability of other members. Could it be that different communication styles make it difficult? I’d say to all students and coaches that you need to “bend your style” to your team or your group and you’ll have a happier process and a more successful result.
If you’re doing something on your own, do it however works best for you. But, if you’re doing something with another colleague, don’t assume that a last-minute style works for them. Last minute action makes some people concerned and afraid that you’re not going to pull it off. Or, that they won’t get what they need from you in time to do their end of things. That kind of interaction on a regular basis erodes trust and kills rapport. Don’t make the other person wrong for being different. If you’re the pressure-prompted one, make sure you’re not pushing your preference onto the other person. Be pressure-prompted on your own, but respect how stressful that is for others when doing things together.
Turn on a Dime vs. Plan Things Out
Some people like to make a plan and follow the plan. They want to know what to expect and need time to adjust when changes need to be made. Others are more comfortable adjusting things at the last minute and “turning on a dime.” I’m that second kind of person. I admit it. I learned as a manager that most people aren’t like me. I was capable of giving a whole team whiplash by how fast I could switch gears when I felt like we needed to. But most people want to be more linear and follow a plan. I had to adjust that in myself when I worked with a team. On my own, sure, turn on a dime. But doing things with others, I learned to give others more warning and more time to adjust.
Chris here: one wise proverb to adopt is: “Plan your work and work your plan.”
Chris here and last note: Carol is the Queen of this topic and I highly recommend her book,
The Job Seekers Guide for Extraverts & Introverts: Advice for Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials
to draw more understanding. You can find it on Amazon at this link.
Carol A. Linden
Effective With People, LLC
“playing well with others is good business”
919 599-9301
The JOB SEEKERS GUIDE for Extraverts and Introverts
is available on Amazon now, paperback and Kindle.
