Coaches and Communication Series
Communicating with Peers Part I: Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T
by Carol Linden
Let’s break this topic down into two parts. Today we’ll look at very simple things we can communicate respectfully with our peers. Next week, we’ll look at some common psychological type differences that unintentionally create misunderstandings and get in the way of maintaining rapport and accomplishing goals together.
When you read “Show R-E-S-P-E-C-T” is anyone else hearing Aretha Franklin’s voice, or is it just me?
(Coach Morland here) This is my #1 Classroom Value. Check out the Throwback Thursday at this link:
I’m also hearing Maya Angelou’s gravelly voice saying,
“People may forget what you said or what you did, but
they will never forget how you made them feel.”
If anything in your communication conveys arrogance or lack of respect, that’s a real rapport-killer. It’s hard to keep listening (or keep reading an email) when you are disrespected at the outset.
The sad thing about basic communication problems is that most are quite unintentional or, at the very least, unconscious. So, let’s take this opportunity to get conscious about basic ways we can be sure that our communication comes across as respectful.
Say or write “Please” and “Thank you.”
I’m not asking you to get all touchy-feely or “gushy”. A simple “thank you” or “appreciate it” can go miles toward conveying respect and appreciation for something someone did.
For example, if a colleague sent something that really helped you, you could text back simply, “Got the article. Looks great. Thanks!” Or, “That stretching tip really helped today. Appreciate it.” Short and sweet, to the point, and gets across the point that whatever they did for you is appreciated.
(Coach Morland here) Every coaching relationship has an aspect of appreciation. If peers communicate this, it can go a long way. I’m intentional with those on my coaching team to tell them at the end of the day how much I appreciate their effort and work!
Delete the word “but” from your vocabulary.
Every time you say “but” in a sentence, it negatives everything that precedes it in the sentence. “That’s good, but you . . .” Now, whatever you say just completely negates whatever positive message you mean to convey in the first part of that sentence.
Learn to use the word “and.” Seriously. Listen to this: “That new exercise looked really promising, but I’m having problems.” Now, compare it to this: “That new exercise looks really promising, and I’m still having problems with part of it. Can you help me with that?”
(Coach Morland here) This is a KEY point of connection. The word “and” connects and glues things together. I’m a big “and” coach, and I recommend giving this a try in your next conversation. When you’re tempted to stick a “but” in your communication, stop and consider how to make a connection versus a disconnection.
Can you hear how much better the second one lands? Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you can’t hear it. Some people are less sensitive to the fine points of language and implications than others. That said, I would ask you to consider taking seriously that there are many other people who would respond better to “and” than “but,” so you’re doing yourself a favor by observing this suggestion.
Watch your tone.
Any hint of superiority, condescension, or blame is a real rapport killer. Watch your tone. And, assume good intent on the other person’s part until proven otherwise. Give them a chance to help you understand where they’re coming from. Assume there’s just been a misunderstanding.
Do not use directive language toward other adults.
As a coach, you probably naturally use directive language in the gym or on the field all the time. That’s fine. You’re literally serving the kids by telling them what it is you want them to do. And by doing so, you’re helping them succeed.
Directive language, on the other hand, implies a one-up/one-down relationship. It’s like giving orders in the military. You have that relationship with athletes. You’re the coach. You do not have that relationship with your peers. Adults resent being told what to do by someone who is not their superior. Resentment is not helpful.
For example, instead of saying, “Hand me the ball” or “Grab that stapler,” you could say, “Would you hand me the ball?” Or “Would you grab the stapler for me?” A sentence that starts with a verb is in the imperative voice. As in, I’m above you and I have the right to tell you what to do. If the other person is a peer, do you not have their permission to give them orders. This is a very simple way to avoid offending a peer.
Share your reasoning
“Come to the meeting on Friday.” (Hear that imperative voice? Sounds like a command, doesn’t it?) You could say instead, “I’d like you to come the meeting Friday. I think it will help both coaching teams to discuss what we’re dealing with.” Sharing your reasoning with another adult is a way of showing respect and treating them like an adult.
“What about that?” instead of “Why”
Asking “Why” almost automatically puts the other person on the defensive. Instead of asking, “why?” you can ask “what” or “how” questions. Not “Why do you want to do it that way?” but “What about that method appeals to you?” or “How does that way make it work better?” You’re making genuine inquiries here, not challenging their judgment.
Ah, reminder here—tone! If you sound superior or down-putting, they’ll hear it. You’ve got to be genuine about hearing a different perspective. You might learn something. You never know. Together, you might come up with a third way that works even better for both of you.
Carol A. Linden
Effective With People, LLC
“playing well with others is good business”
919 599-9301
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