MOTIVATION – Part II: Words that Motivate, Words that Don’t

with Carol Linden

What is you plan for motivating with your words?

What are some ways to improve your words?

We want to know your feedback at the end of this blog.

 

Remembering that people are individuals and have individual differences, there are also certain human constants to remember. Some words or phrases do not get good results. Here are a few guidelines so that you can continue building your athletes’ skill and confidence at the same time.

Make it obvious you know the athlete’s name and look them straight in the eye.

Are you familiar with the saying, “Before someone will care about what you have to say, they have to know that you care”? If you want the athlete to care about what you’re saying, they’ve got to first believe that you care about them—as a person. First off, call them by name. Not constantly, but at least at the beginning and end of the workout. And look them in the eye. That makes them feel both known and respected.
If you work with smaller athletes, do what Prince William does with his young son. Bend down and look them in the eye when you’re explaining something to them. That creates a more caring atmosphere for an athlete and helps reduce their fear of failure.  (Chris here: there are many divides in the world of coaching so building a relationship bridge is the key to connecting.)

Praise “hard work” instead of saying “you are really good” or “you are really smart.”

The book Mindset by psychologist Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. makes a very important point about helping children stay brave in the face of challenges. Children who were told they were smart, got less daring in the face of new challenges. Every challenge was a chance to fail at being “smart.” On the other hand, when children were praised for their success through hard work, they stayed courageous in the face of new challenges. They weren’t afraid of making mistakes because mistakes were part of learning. Mistakes were a natural part of learning through hard work. From the athlete’s perspective, that might be in the form of “you’re talented” instead of “you’re smart.” Praise them for their success that results from their hard work. That will keep them brave in the face of rising to the next level of skill and achievement. Assure them you believe they have the natural ability to reach a certain level of skill, but don’t let them think it’s all about talent, even though we all know talent plays a part. Talent alone is not enough. Talent must be developed to become a skill.

Avoid should, have to, must.

These words are natural turn-offs. Instead, give the athlete the reason for doing something now or a certain way. “If you practice it this way, it will keep your arm from getting tired too quickly” instead of “You should do it this way.” Again, giving the athlete the real reason teaches the athlete. Just saying “you must” teaches nothing.

Delete the word “but” from your vocabulary.

Every time you say “but” in a sentence, it negatives everything that precedes it in the sentence. “That’s good, but you really should . . .” Now, whatever you praised is lost. The athlete will only remember what you say was wrong about what was done. And there’s that word “should” again. Try “That’s really good. You worked hard at that. To take it to the next level, now let’s try adding this.” Hear how this communication doesn’t take the praise away?

Tell them the Reason why clearly and concisely.

“I’m asking you to do it this way because it can make the rear deltoid muscle strong and prevent injury.” Now the athlete has a logical reason and understands the personal benefit. This is much more motivating and gets more reliable results than saying “just do it that way” (authoritarian, no learning) or “it works better that way” (not specific enough to be helpful or create learning). Also, telling the young athlete why you’re asking them to do something a certain way not only has the educational benefit of imparting real understanding to them, but also is a way of showing respect. Not “because I said so,” but because this is how it will help you or benefit you or build that muscle better or make your passing more accurate or your pitching arm last longer. Truly teach them the why. They’ll be more knowledgeable and more likely to continue doing it that way when you’re not looking over their shoulders.

“What about that?” instead of “Why?”

Asking “Why” almost automatically puts the other person on the defensive. Instead of asking, “why do you want to do it that way,” you could ask, ‘what is it you like about doing it that way?” or “what about doing it that way seems better to you?” You may actually learn something surprising. It might reveal some misunderstanding the athlete has that you can now clear up. For example, “Because my left leg doesn’t hurt when I do it this way.” That may be something as a coach you need to know about and help the athlete with.

Saying “Thank you.”

This may seem too obvious, but saying “thank you” can be powerfully motivating. You can say, “Thanks for hanging in there. I know it was hard. You’ll really get benefits from it.” You can say that without feeling you got mushy about it. The athlete doesn’t want you to “get mushy” either. Feeling appreciated, however, is truly morale building.

Do not say “You can do better.”

All that really communicates is “you’re not good enough.” Instead try something like, “That’s a great pitch. You’ve made real progress. Now, let’s try to add something. Ready to go to the next level?” Can you hear how that doesn’t make the athlete wrong? It acknowledges their progress and invites them to the next level.” Don’t deflate them first with, “You can do better.”

Underscore as many positives as you see and tell them what is right about what they’re doing.

Remember that, for the sake of real learning to take place, you may need to tell an athlete what is right about that they’re doing. An athlete may accidentally be doing a movement in a certain way but not be conscious about it. They may accidentally stop doing it that way and not even realize it. Help them get conscious about what’s right about what they’re doing or how they’re doing it. That provides real learning and helps ensure the athlete will keep doing that movement right in the future. Telling them what they’re doing right also builds morale and self-esteem. Help them feel the small successes they’re achieving. They’ll need that to have the courage to face the new challenges you’ll be giving them. (Chris here:  this is one aspect I do every day.  My college coach would say, “paralysis by over analysis” so give the few good positives cues and leave it there and not multiple things not to do as it causes confusion.”

Do not overwhelm them with criticism. And give them only 1 or 2 areas to think about growing in at a time.

Anyone can just shut down in the face of too much criticism. Identify what you think they can do most immediately and be successful at. Build their confidence as you go. Don’t demoralize them with the hardest goal first. Build them up with some early, easy wins. And be specific so that the athlete has a chance to implement what you’re trying to teach them. Make sure the athlete knows how to do what they need to do in order to succeed. An athlete needs successes to build morale and to feel capable. (Chris here: I use this aspect as the criticism sandwich…give a compliment….then a criticism…..and follow-up with another compliment.

Carol A. Linden
Effective With People, LLC
“playing well with others is good business”
919 599-9301

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